Part One

Part One:

    There are so many ways to describe the things I've felt throughout the years. To many emotions to be contained within a single soul. I am breaking, cracking, spilling the thoughts inside of me across the planes of my own self existence. Filling this world I constructed for myself with the thoughts I didn't even think I could have. I was raised to believe that I would be alright, that I could be anything or do anything I put my mind to but the truth is... that isn't true. And it seems to me that we all know it isn't true but we keep trying to convince ourselves it is. The only people who seem to want to acknowledge the truth end up like me. Scared and feeling alone.

    I was told depression was a lie and that all I needed was some more Jesus in my life and I won't lie, I believe in God and the Bible and The Savior Christ Jesus but I don't believe that my emotional and chemical imbalances can fixed by you patting me on the back saying "pray more" and then walking away. I would love to tell you that Jesus has fixed me but don't you think that Jesus would want you to show a little compassion?
    I fear someday's that maybe it won't get better and maybe the thoughts will turn again to actions I may regret. I fear that the next time I won't chicken out. That the next time I won't get stopped by someone asking for directions to the nearest... whatever. Maybe the next time the numb will be so strong that I won't feel the blade piercing my skin.
    An Instagram post I once saw said,

"Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. 

It's the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. 

It's wanting friends but hating socializing. 

It's wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. 

It's caring about everything then caring about nothing. 

It's feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzingly numb." 

    The truth of the matter is this. If I thought for a second you could help, I'd ask. The problem is, I asked and you turned me away.